Price 25 cents 



COUSIN GENE 




PUDLISHILD BY 

The* Dr^amatic Pubi^ishing Compajsty 

CHA.3t.LES H SEICGEL. , PRESIDEISTT 



^ 



Hageman^s Make-Up Book 

By MAURICE HAGEMAN 

Price, 25 cents 

The Importance of an effective make-up is becoming tnure appa**. 
ant to the professional actor every year, but hitherto there has beer* 
no boolc on the subject describing the modern methods and at the 
same time covering all branches of the art. This want has now 
been filled. Mr. Hageman has had an experience of twenty years 
as actor and stage-manager, and his well-known literary ability haa 
enabled him to put the knowledge so gained into shape to be of 
use to others. The book is an encyclopedia of the art of making up. 
Every branch of the subject is exhaustively treated, and few ques- 
tions can be asked by professional or amateur that cannot be an- 
swered by this admirable hand-book. It is not only the best make« 
up book ever yjublished, but it is not likely to be superseded by 
any other. It is absolutely indispensable to every ambitious actor 

CONTENTS 

Chapter I. General Remarks. 

Chapter II. Grease-Paints, their origin, components and use. 

Chapter III. The Make-up Box. Grease-Paints, Mirrors, Faca 
Powder and Puff, Exora Cream, Rouge. Liquid Color, Grenadine, 
Blue for the Eyelids, Brilliantine for the Hair, Nose Putty, Wig 
Paste. Mascaro. Crape Hair, Spirit Gum, Scissors, Artists' Stomps, 
Cold Cream, Cocoa Butter, Recipes for Cold Cream. 

Chapter IV. Preliminaries before Making up; the Straight Make* 
up and how to remove it. 

Chapter V. Remarks to Ladies. Liquid Creams, Rouge, Lips. 
Eyebrows, Eyelashes, Character Roles, Jewelry, Removing Make-up. 

Chapter VI. Juveniles. Straiglit Juvenile Make-up, Society 
Men, Young Men in 111 Health, with Red Wigs, Rococo Make-up, 
Hands, Wrists, Cheeks, etc. 

Cliapter VII. Adults, Middle Aged and Old Men. Ordinary Type 
of Manliood, Lining Colors, Wrinkles, Rouge, Sickly and Healthy 
Old Ace, Ruddy Complexions. 

Chapter VIII. Comedy and Character Make-ups. Comedy Ef- 
fects. Wigs, Beards, Eyebrows. Noses, Lips, Pallor of Deatli. 

Chapter IX. The Human Features. The Mouth and Lips, the 
Eyes &nd Eyelids, the Nose, the Chin, the Ear, the Teeth. 

Chapter X. Other txposed Parts of the Human Anatomy. 

Chapter XT. Wigs, Bearc/s, Moustaches, and Eyebrows. Choosing 
a Wig, Powdering the Hair, Dimensions for Wigs, Wig Bands, Bald 
Wigs, Ladies' Wigs, Beards on Wire, on Gauze, Crape Hair, Wool, 
Beards for Tramps, Moustaches, Eyebrows. 

Chapter XII. Distinctive and Traditional Characteristics. North 
American Indians, New England Farmers, Hoosiers. Southerners, 
Politicians, Cowboys, Minors, Quakers, Tramps, Creoles, Mulattoes, 
Quadroons, Octoroons. Negroes, Soldiers during War, Soldiers dur- 
ing Peace, Scouts, Pathfinders, Puritans, Early Dutch Settlers, 
Englishmen, Scotchmen, Irishmen, Frenchmen, Italians, Spaniards, 
Portuguese, South Americans, Scandinavians, Germans, Hollanders. 
Hungarians. Gipsies, Russians, Turks, Arabs, Moors. Caffirs. Abys" 
sinians, Hindoos, Malays. Cliinese, Japanese, Clowns and Statuary, 
Hebrews, Drunkards, Lunatics, Idiots, Misers, Rogues. 

Address Orders to 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 

CHICAGO. ILLINOIS 



COUSIN GENE 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



By 

GRACE DELANEY GOLDENBURG 



Copyright 1916 
By The Dramatic Publishing Company 



CHICAGO 
THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 






CHARACTERS 



Ted Manners Inclined to cnt up 

Frank Stewart Inclined to self conceit 

Jack Kawdon Inclined to take life easy 

George Adams Inclined to ' ' do tilings ' ' 

Fred Eipley Inclined to ' ' do anyone ' ' 

Bill Tracey Inclined to slang 

Dick Horton Inclined to the classics 

Frank Stewart, Sr Inclined to millions 

Eugene Stewart — (Gene) Inclined to pranks 

Tony Club waiter, inclined to mix the drinks 

Benson The butler, inclined to arrogance 



ACT I. Lounging room of the ''Sons of Millionaires Club," 
New York. 

ACT II. Garden before the house at Mr. Stewart 's country 
place. 

ACT III. Same as Act II. 



^ 



-►^ 



6: 



DEC 23 1916 

©CID 45708 



COUSIN GENE 



ACT I 



Scene — Lounging room of the ^^Sons of Millionaires'' 
Cluh, New York. Reading table center with large 
leather chairs on either side. Smaller tables down 
right and down left. Piano up left. Other chairs 
and settees to fill out scene. Books, papers, glasses 
and decanters are on tables. Tony 7novcs about col- 
lecting glasses and taking orders. Frank, Bill, 
Dick and Ted are at piano singing a college song as 
curtain rises; Jack, George and Fred are down 
right; they join in the chorus and all finish with a 
class yell. 

Time — Evening following graduation day at Yale. They 
are preparing to separate for their homes, filled 
ivith the self-esteem and pride which usually goes 
before the fall of the average college boy before he 
has gotten his bearings. 

After song, Frank, Bill, Dick and Ted come down to 
center table. 

Frank. Boys, we have come to the parting of the 
ways; after four blissfully happy years together we 
must part. Oh, how sad the part ! 

Ted. Look out, the part is crooked. 

Bill. Cut it out, Frank. Do you want us to do the 
weeping act ? Well, not for mine ! Besides, it took Ted 
six years to get through, so your eulogy on him is wasted. 

Ted. Now just let up on the six. I stayed six years 
at Yale, not because my ability was below par, but be- 
cause, oh, just because — 

Bill. Speak it up, Ted, you've got me going; be- 
cause, oh, just because — 

3 



4 COUSIN GENE 

Ted. Because I loved not duty less, but the professois 
more. [Boys shout, Bill shies a book at him.] 

Dick. You little reprobate, you mean, because the 
Professors loved you and your pranks. If I'm not mis- 
taken, each year you failed it was because of some prank 
played on a Profess. 

Ted. Sure, and they kept me in their class so I could 
try the same prank over again. 

Frank. Say, do you fellows know that you are spoil- 
ing my speech ? 

Bill. Pardonnez moi! Were you making a speech, 
kiddo ? 

Frank. You fellows make me tired 1 What did you 
come up here for, anyway? We planned to come to the 
Club for a farewell drink to old schooldays, before we 
cut for home. You asked me to make a speech and when 
I try to make one — 

Ted. Try is good, Frank ; try is good. 

Bill. We throw the hooks into him, poor little 
Frankie, his feelings is hurt. 

Frank. Aw, quit it. 

Dick. Never mind, Frank, I shall endeavor to quiet 
these facetious children. 

Bill. Dick, I wish you would use everyday language. 
In the middle of the night when I'm trying my best to 
persuade my peepers to close, one of your "proper" 
words will come to haunt me. Last night it was "cir- 
cumstantiate," and, believe me, I sang that word to 
every tune I ever heard. 

Ted. Don't talk so much, Bill; Frank is going to 
make a speech. 

Frank. No, I 'm not ! 

[Jack, George, and Fred have gone down left and are 
talking together, tmheedful of the others.'] 

Bill. Say, you guys, do you know that you've made 
Frank peevish ? 

Jack. [With lazy drawl.'] Indeed, we 're verj^ sorry ; 
what have we done ? 



COUSIN GENE 5 

George. I assure you it wasn't intentional, old man. 
What did we do ? 

Fred. I didn't do anything. If anyone says I did, 
he's dead wrong. 

Bill. Hurray! Fred's got his Irish up. Frank's 
been casting pearls before swine here; the swine didn't 
appreciate the pearls, and so, naturally, Frank's on the 
peevish list. 

Dick. Bill, why can't you use correct English? 

Bill. What 's the matter with my English ? 

Dick. It is so undignified. 

Bill, Undignified? Well, take it from me, old pal, 
it expresses my ideas, and that's all that's necessary in 
this age of speedometers. 

Jack. Well, what has become of the speech? 

Ted. Side-tracked again. Come on, Frank; we'll be 
quiet now. 

Frank. Under no circumstances would I speak now. 

Ted. Oh, pickles, precious Percy's peevish! 

George. Now, you boys be quiet. Come on, Frank; 
you will save us from a lifelong regret. We would never 
be happy if w^e knew that you had prepared a speech 
and had not delivered it. Come on, boys; put him on 
the table. 

Fred. That's the ticket. Up with him, boys. Let 
him air the wisdom he has paid for. 

Frank. I will not ! I fail — 

Bill. In the lexicon of Yale, there is no such word 
as fail ! 

Ted. Except in exams. 

[They put Frank on the table. He is still inclined to 
pout.] 

Tony. Oxcoose me, bud I don'd dink dot der dorec- 
tors dey vould like to haf him sthand on der table yet. 

Ted. Dot 's very kind off der directors, Tonj^ ; but ve 
von't let him fall. 

Tony. I vas nod dinking off him falling. I vas dink- 
ing off der shoes on der table — dey might hurt der pol- 
ish. 



g COUSIN GENE 

Ted. Boys, take off liis shoes. We coiildii 't risk hurt- 
ing the polisli. It might squeal on us. 

Frank. See here, boys, I won't stand this. 

Fred. Let him sit down, boys. 

I Boys force Frank to sit on table. Thc\) take off his 
shoes and stand him up again. All pretend to gasp for 
breath.] 

George. Oh, Tony! 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? 

George. Open a window, quick. 

Tony. Vor vy, huh ? Dey vas all open now. 

George. Perhaps we can stand it, but it is rather 
overpowering. 

Dick. Now everybody sit down and listen to thi:i 
speech. 

[All sit meekly; Jack D.R., where he immediately falls 
asleep: George and Fred at table D.F.; Dick, Ted and 
Bill D.L. Tony brings glasses and seltzer for the boys.] 

Frank. If I wasn't so darned mad at you fellows 
you'd never hear this speech; but now you're going to 
get it, and get it good. 

Ted. Hear! Hear! 

Bill. Shut up ! He hasn 't said anything yet to say 
''hear" about. 

Ted, Do you think he will ? 

Frank. "When in the course of human events — " 

George. Give us something new. 

Dick. It 's new to know that Frank can quote. 

Boys. Shut up ! 

Frank. ''When in the course of human events — " 

Ted. He 's a repeater ! 

Boys. Sh ! Sh! . 

Frank. A man graduates from the finest school in 
the land, leaving his schooldays behind him. 

Ted and Bill. \Look behind them.] Out of sight. 

Frank. And looks forward with hopeful, far-seeing 
eyes into the future. [Boys make field glasses of their 
hands and look.] What does he behold? 



COUSIN GENE 7 

Ted. Jack Rawdon asleep at the switch. Wake up, 
Jackie. [Throws book at Jack.] 

Jack. [Wakes tvith a start.] Say, who did that? 
Can't a fellow enjoy a little snooze without some of you 
fellows cutting up rough? 

Dick. I beg of you boys, refrain from argument. 
You are interrupting the speaker. 

Frank. What does he see ? 

Bill. It 's up to you, Frankie, to tell us. We guessed 
wrong. 

Frank. He sees a world all topsy turvy. 

Ted. That guy must have been out all night. 

Frank. He sees causes awaiting the champion; he 
knows that HE is the champion ! 

Fred. How many rounds ? 

Frank. He goes forth to battle with the world — 

Jack. Ah, what's the use? He 11 only get hurt. 

Frank. Aye— phe gets hurt — but they are the hurts 
of glory. 

Dick. Be careful, Frank, you're mixing your nouns 
and verbs. 
- Frank. They are the scars of victory ! What bat- 
tles do you expect to fight ? What victories will you win ? 

Fred. I 'd like to see anybody beat me at draw poker. 

Frank. You are on the threshold of life ; what do you 
expect to do ? 

Jack. If there's a couch on the porch I won't go in. 

Frank. What do you expect to do with your edu- 
cation ? 

Bill. Take it home and frame it. That's enough 
now, Frankie. We've enjoyed your speech immensely 
and know just what's coming, so we will side-track the 
rest ; give us three cheers for old Yale and each other, 
and take a drink to our future meeting. Of course it's 
great to have an education. I feel like the frosting on an 
angel cake — all to the eggs and sugar. 

[Frank gets clown disgustedly and puts on his shoes.] 

George. Of course we expect to do things. I'm 
going to do something wonderful. 



8 COUSIN GENE 

Bill. Break it to me gently, George; my heart is 
weak. What do you expect to do ? 

George. Well — er — I don't know yet — but I'll do it. 

Fred. Oh, what's the use! Dad is rich and credit's 
good ; let tlie other fellow worry about doing things. 

Ted. While Fred is busy doing people. What 's your 
long suit, Dick ? 

Dick. I have dreams like the young Byronj who woke 
one morning and found himself famous. 

Bill. If that's all you want, Dick, I'll take you out 
some night and the next morning you will have a famous 
head. 

Dick. Never mind, I'm not as green as I look. 

Bill. That would be impossible. 

Frank. Well, let's have Tony decide for us. Hey, 
Tony— 

Tony. Vas iss, huh? 

Frank. Tony, what does your prophetic soul discern 
in the future for this bunch. Shall we all be famous ? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? Vamous ? I dink nod so. I 
see too many shentlemens like you vot shust come from 
college by. You vill sthay vun leedle vile und den you 
vill all git married. 

Boys. Married ! 

Dick. Horrors ! 

Ted. Fancy me, boys, being tied for life to a dry 
goods account. Oh, Mabel, dearest, may I go to the 
Club? I won't stay long, pet. Oh, do let me go. there's 
a darling. I promise not to play poker or drink any 
soda water. — Well, not for me ! 

Boys. Nor for me. 

Frank. Come on, boys; let's settle this question 
right here and noAv. How many of you are game to 
join a club which shall be known as the Bachelor Club, 
in which the members solemnly promise on pain of a 
forfeit of one thousand dollars, to remain in their present 
state of bachelorhood. 

Boys. \AU come center.] I will. 

Dick. Good idea, Frank! I'm with vou. I could 



COUSIN GENE 9 

never write poetry, if I had to be bothered with milli- 
ner's bills. 

Bill. Bully for you, boys! Education has done us 
some good ; it has made us proof against the wiles of the 
snare sex. Get some — er — a soda water, Tony, to cement 
the cornerstone of the new club. We'll come to the 
private dining room to drink it, where no one will inter- 
rupt us. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Oh, yass, sir. [Exits center.] 

Ted. I move that Frank as originator shall be presi- 
dent of the Club. 

Boys. Hurrah ! Of couse ! 

Frank. All right, boys. Join hands and repeat the 
terrible oath. Say — "I [Using your full name] solemnly 
promise to spend my days in the free and happy state 
of bachelorhood — 

Boys. [Repeat.] 

Frank. I look upon woman as a snare and a handi- 
cap to man — 

Boys. [Repeat.] 

Ted. Make it strong, Frank. 

Frank. I solemnly promise to know many, love few, 
and marry none. 

Boys. [Repeat.] 

Frank. If I break said vow, I promise to pay into 
the treasury of the Club the sum of $1000. 

Boys. [Repeat.] 

Ted. I say, that was easy. Why didn 't you put some 
fire and brimstone into it ? 

George. He wanted to make it easy for you to crawl 
out. 

Ted. You needn't be afraid. There is no danger of 
me ever wanting to get married. I have four sisters. 

Dick. I have three. 

Bill. Well, I have six, and they are all to the good — 
as sisters. 

George. I have two. 

Frank. I have one, but she lives in Europe — thank 
goodness. 



10 COUSIN GENE 

Jack. I liave four and they all try to boss me. 

Fred. And I have two. 

Bill. Isn't it a shame how sisters spoil a fellow for 
matrimony ? 

Tony. [Enters center.] Vass iss it, huh ? Der soda 
vater vas served in der dining room. 

Frank. Come on, fellows. We will drink to health, 
wealth, prosperity and long life to the Bachelor Club. 

[All exit center, singing, ^^ We're All Good Fellows,'^ 
as Tony is about to follow, Mr. Stev^art, Sr., enters 
right and stops Tony.] 

Stewart. Ah, Tony, has my son turned up here yet "? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? Meester Frank ? Veil, I tink 
Mr. Frank iss very mooch here, yes. He haf shust make 
a speech vish nobody leestened at und now he start a 
club for bachelors at vich dey none off dem get married 
midout bajdng somebody von tousand tollars, und now 
dey vas trinking to it mit — a — soda vater. [Laughs. 
ShoJits and laughter are heard from boys outside.] 

Stewart. Soda water — humph ! Did you mix the — 
a — soda water? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Yass, I alvays mixes der 
soda vater. Nobody else knows shust how dey vants it. 
[Laughs aside.~\ 

Stewart. I dare say not. Well, the young rascal 
has had his fling, he must get down to work now. I do 
not expect a great deal of good to come from his four 
years at Yale ; I only hope that there has been no harm 
done. Tony, here is five dollars. The next time my son 
orders — a — soda water give him exactly what he asks 
for. See ? He 's a man now and must learn that subter- 
fuge never pays. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh, yas? [Laughs.] I see. I 
hope you here ven he orders it. I tink you get your 
money's vorth. 

Stewart. I don't doubt it. 

[Boys rush on, laughing. Frank sees his father, who 
is D.R. He mins down to him. Other boys come down 
to table center.] 



COUSIN GENE H 

Frank. Bless my stars ! If there isn 't the Governor ! 
Glad to see you, Dad ! [Shakes hands with him.] Boys, 
you all knqw Dad. 

Boys. Sure! Good evening, Mr. Stewart. 

Stew^art. Good evening, boys; my heartiest con- 
gratulations on your graduation. I hope that you all 
graduated with honors. 

Ted. That's what we did, Mr. Stewart. The faculty 
gave three cheers and one sigh when we left. 

Stewart. What was the sigh for? 

Bill. Relief. 

Stewart. [Sits D.R. Frank stands near him: hoys 
sit at and on table, center.] I understand that you boys 
have organized a Bachelor Club. 

Frank. That's what we have, Dad. A wise move, 
don't you think? How can a man accomplish anything 
in the world when he is hampered by a woman? 

Stewmrt. It's a fortunate thing for you young ras- 
cals that your fathers did not hold the same opinions. 
Don't you think so? 

Dick. Oh, yes. But our fathers were called upon to 
marry, just as some men are called to fight on the battle 
field and some are called to preach to the heathen. Now 
w^e hold that the men who are called upon to fight the 
financial battles of the world should be unhampered by 
domestic ties. 

Stew^art. "Well, well, you presumptuous young cubs, 
go ahead and win. I've made a million in my time. If 
you can beat it I'll get a divorce and go on your board 
of directors. 

Frank. Now don 't laugh at us. Dad ; we 're in earn- 
est. I know that Tony will uphold us, won't you, Tony? 
You believe bachelors' clubs are the right thing, don't 
you, Tony? 

Tony. Vas iss, huh? Yass, no, I doan know for vy 
I vass married five dimes yet. 

Boys. You, Tony! 

Bill. Slip it to us gently, Tony, slip it to us gently. 



12 COUSIN GENE 

It's an awful blow. But tell me, Tony, are they all 
living? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Lifing? No. Tree off dem 
vas cleat und der uder two dey married me for der 
money vot I ain 'd got und ven dey find dot I ain 'd got 
it, dey shust get so mad und say dot I vin dem mit 
false — false — you know vat dey calls dem things ven 
peoples iss vot dey ain'd und den get mad ven dey 
ain'd? 

Dick. We know, Tony; false pretenses. 

Tony. Yass, dot's heem. Dey do teach you some- 
dins by college, don'd dey? Veil dey called me — dot 
name vot you said — den dey went by a place vot was 
called Weno. 

Ted. Oh, yes — we know. 

Frank. You have had a severe lesson, Tony, but I 
am sure that nothing could ever tempt you to marry 
again. 

Tony. Vass iss, huh? Veil, not undil September, 
ven I will marry my third vife's sister — if I haf der 
money. 

Bill. Oh, Tony, Tony ! You have knocked our pins 
from under us. Henceforth I've no more faith in 
waiters. 

Messenger. [Enters with telegram. Right.] Tele- 
gram for Mr. Frank Stewart, Jr. Telegram for Mr. 
Frank Stewart, Jr. 

Frank. Here you are. [Takes telegram, siyns hook, 
messenger exits.] 

Fred. Now who do you suppose is sending Frank a 
telegram ? 

Jack. Really I am too tired to guess. 

Ted. a telegram the day after commencement usually 
marks the commencement of — what ? 

Bill. And he just organized a Bachelors' Club! 
Great is the fall, oh great — 

Frank. [Opens telegram and reads.] Oh, Dad, good 
news ! 

Stewart. What is it, my boy? 



COUSIN GENE 13 

Frank. It's from Gene. "If convenient will make 
you a long visit at Maplewood. — Gene." 

Boys. Ah-ha! Who is Gene? 

Frank. Why, ni}^ cousin, you blockheads. Who do 
you think? 

Ted. Well, when the news of a Gene's coming brings 
such rapture into the face and voice of a young man, 
one naturally supposes said Gene to be a winsome miss 
very pleasing to said young man. 

Stewart. Why, Gene is — 

Frank. [Aside.] Sh ! Dad, they think that Gene 
is a girl — let them. [Aloud.] She is rather winsome, 
I must confess. 

George. Oh, Frank — and you the president of the 
Bachelor Club. 

Frank. But she is my first cousin, so that lets me 
out. But say, boys, I have a jolly idea ! I want you 
all to come with Dad and me to Maplewood and help 
entertain Gene. You know that mother and sister are 
both in Europe, and I lack invention when it comes fo 
entertaining girls. What do you say ? You invite them, 
Dad. 

Stewart. The boys know that they are always wel- 
come at Maplewood, and I am sure that Gene 's visit will 
be much pleasanter for their presence. [Turns away 
higJily amused.] 

Bill. First of all I want to know, kiddo, are we 
supposed to make love to the divine Gene? 

Frank. Well, where 's the harm? The oath said, 
"know many, love few and marry none." Let Gene 
be one of the few. 

Jack. Not for me. It's too warm to make love in 
the summer. 

Ted. No, Frank, I think it w^ould be safer for us to. 
refuse ; we 're sworn bachelors and there is no use look- 
ing for trouble. 

Dick. That's right, Ted. That's just the way I feel 
about it. 

Frank. Then I promise that you need not make love 



14 COUSIN GENE 

to her, take moonlight walks or spoon, but for heaven's 
sake lielp a pal. There is safety in nuniliers, you know, 
])ut don't — oh don't — leave nie for the whole summer 
at the tender mercy of a female. 

Fred. But she is your cousin. 

Frank. Even so, can you not see the danger? She 
is a member of the "snare" sex; she would snare me 
and then how could I resist other members of the same 
sex? 

George. Frank is right, boys. He is our president 
and it is our duty to protect him. 

Ted. Let's buckle on the armor, boys; duty calls. 
She couldn't snare us all at once, you know, and we 
can see that she gets no chance at any one alone. 

Frank. Hurrah, boys, you're all right. Say, Tony, 
when does your vacation begin? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? My vacation it begins next 
veek. 

Frank. Do you want to earn some extra money? 

Tony. Vas iss, huh? Extra mooney? Veil, I don'd 
care if I do. 

Frank. [Writes on card.] Here are the directions. 
I will send your ticket and the first day of your vaca- 
tion you find your way to that sylvan spot. No one can 
mix — a — soda water as you can. Now hustle and 
bring us some. We want to drink Cousin Gene's health. 
[Tony looks at Stewart, ivho nods and grins. Tony 
smiles and exits, center.] 

Ted. Don't forget, boys, we are to stand ])y one 
another in this deal. Don't any of you chaps go off 
fishing and leave me to entertain the fair Gene. It's 
all or none. United we stand and divided — we marry. 
[Enter Tony with steins. He passes them to the hoys 
and Stewart, who hold his aside, laughing.] 

Frank. Dad, we're a temperance crowd. We drink 
only soda water which Tony prepares for us. Boys, 
''Here's to Gene; may her spirit be as effervescent as 
the foam; her nature as pure as the juice; and her 



COUSIN GENE 15 

personality as efficacious as the lithia, all of which go 
to make this — soda water." 

Boys. To Gene! 

[Stewart and Tony are D.E., Frank center, boys L.C. 
Tony and Mr. Stewart are ivatching the hoys and try- 
ing to suppress their laughter. Boys take a long drink, 
then begin to spit and splutter and stamp.^ 

Boys. Why — why — ugh, ugh! What's the matter? 

Frank. Matter? matter? Why, it is soda water! 

[Stew^irt throws himself into chair at left of table 
and laughs immoderately. Boys look bewildered at 
Tony.] 



ACT 11. 



Scene — Garden at Mapleivood, Mr. Stew\irt's country 
home. Entrance to house B. with porch and prac- 
tical secatid story window. Eustic bench D.L. 
Eiistic table with chairs D.E. Flower pot and 
Bench U.C. 

Time — One week later — afternoon. 

Present — Frank, his father, and Eugene Stew^art 
[Gene]. Gene has evidently just arrived, as his 
suit cases are L.C. He is standijig center, Mr. Stew- 
art is seated D.E., and Frank is L.C, near Gene. 
They have told Gene of the joke they are playing 
on the boys, who have not yet arrived, and that he 
must dress and act like a girl for their edification. 
Gene does not take to the idea very well, and is 
apparently angry. 

Frank. But you must do it. Gene! I'll be in an 
awful mess if you don't. 

Gene. Well, I won 't. What do you take me for, 
anyway? If you think that I am going to masquerade 
like an actress and play waiting maid for six wooden- 



16 COUSIN GENE 

headed fools who haven't any more sense than to vow 
not to marry you 're mistaken. 

Frank. Thanks ! 

Gene. It is a dumb fool notion. The fellow who 
makes a silly vow like that with all the stunning girls 
running around loose is a chump. That's all I've got 
to say for him. I never heard of such rot. 

Stew^art. When these young cubs have had your 
experience, Gene, they'll forget these radical ideas. 

Frank. Humph ! I 'm two years older than Gene. 

Stew^art. Years, yes ; but there are some things that 
count far more than years. 

Frank. We are getting off the subject. The boys 
will be here on the five forty-five. You'll just have time 
to dress. Come on, Gene, you're not going to throw me 
down, are you? Why, I'd be laughed at for the rest of 
my life. 

Gene. I don't know that that would be any worse 
than for me to spend the summer in a bally blond wig, 
and petticoats and tight shoes and tight — er — other 
things. 

Frank. But think of the fun. 

Gene. For you ; but think of the misery for me. 

Stewart. See here, Gene, I encouraged Frank to 
play this joke, never dreaming but that you would be 
willing to fall in with it. I remembered your old-time 
fancy for pranks. I never thought of the discomfort 
of the thing for you, I will admit, but I will make it 
worth your while. You studied dramatic art, didn't 
you? 

Gene. Yes, I once cherished dreams of becoming a 
star, but one season convinced me that I had gotten in 
wrong. 

Stewart. Very well, we will call this a professional 
engagement. I will engage you to play the part of Jean 
Stewart; we will change the spelling when we write 
it, you see — Frank's winsome girl cousin — for the sum 
of five hundred dollars. 

Frank. Now can you beat that? 



COUSIN GENE 17 

Gene. I can. I will play the part for nothing. 
[Turns to Frank.'] I beg your pardon, old man, for 
being so peevish. Of course I'll do it. The only real 
reason why 1 hesitated was the fact that Gladys Norris, 
the girl to whom I am engaged, expects to visit about 
ten miles from here next month, and she might take it 
badly if she discovered that I was masquerading. You 
see, I promised her to cut out all of my old pranks. 

Stewart, I am sure that you need have no fear. It 
will not take the boys a month to fall in love with you. 

Frank. And the minute that one of them proposes 
you can doff the rags. 

Gene. All right, I'll do it. I'll draw Cupid's net so 
closely around those dumb heads that they will get down 
on their knees and squeal. 

Stewart. You had better brush up on your English. 
It might be fatal for a sweet, demure young thing to 
call an admirer a dumb-head, however much she might 
desire to do so. 

Gene. Don't worry about me, Uncle. I haven't fol- 
lowed in the train of the fair sex since I was ten for 
nothing. I know all of their little secrets. In about 
fifteen minutes you will be overwhelmed by your charm- 
ing niece. Do not be surprised at anything I do. 

Stewart. I have had dealings enough with the young 
fellows of today to be immune against surprise. 

Frank. Come on. Gene, the boys will get here before 
you dress. We will have to ransack Sister's ward- 
robe, for suitable apparel. I' bought your wig in New 
York, and believe me it's a peach. You'll be a perfect 
doll. Dad, don't forget to close Benson's eyes. Tony 
will come on the same train with the boys, so he is all 
right. I sent the car for the boys and the gig for Tony. 

Stewart. Trust me. Farewell, dear nephew. When 
next I greet you it will be, ''Welcome, sweet niece." 

Gene. [Simpering.'] Adieu mon oncle, I go for com- 
ing conquests to prepare. 

[Exit Frank and Gene into house, taking suit cases. 
Stewart crosses D.L., sits on 'bench and lights cigar.] 



18 COUSIN GENE 

Stewart. \ Laughs.] Well, well; boys will be boys! 
I can remember the time when just such a prank as this 
would have put me in the seventh heaven of joy. I hope 
Gene gets them going and going good. The conceited 
young prigs! Ah, well, a few years of buffeting with 
the world will take the surplus conceit out of them. 
[Benson enters from house.] Oh, Benson, come here. 

Benson. [Crosses and stands respectfully center.] 
Yes, sir. 

Stewart. Mh — a — Benson, did you see any one come 
here today ? 

Benson. Only the young gentleman, sir; your 
nephew, I understand, sir. 

Stewart. Did any of the other servants see him? 

Benson. No, sir. The other house servants, if you 
will remember, sir, were given the day off to attend the 
County Fair. They are just about due to return, sir, 
and Mr. Frank sent Dawson and Gibbs to the station, 
sir. 

Stewart. Ah, yes — just so. Mh-mh. Well. Benson, 
you were mistaken ; you did not see a young gentleman 
arrive. 

Benson. \Loo1xS surprised for a second, is about to 
answer, and then thinks better of it.] Yes, sir. 

Stewart. However, my niece, a very charming 
young lady as you shall soon see, arrived a short time 
ago, and will be with us indefinitely. Remember, a 
young lady, not a young gentleman ; Miss Gene Stewart. 
It will pay you to remember this carefully, Benson. 

Benson. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 

Stewart. That will do, Benson. Dinner at eight as 
usual. 

Benson. Yes, sir. Tliank you, sir. {Exits into 
house.] ' . 

Stewart. Strange. When a man becomes a butler 
he somehow leaves his soul behind him ; black becomes 
white and white lilack if some one else tells him so, and 
he increases in value as he is able to subjugate his will 



COUSIN GENE 19 

to the will of another. [Auto horn 'Is heard off L.] Ah, 
the to-be-conquered heroes come. 

[Stewart goes left. Frank comes from house and 
joins him. Boys can he heard laughing and talking in 
the distance. Frank runs off to meet them. Stewart 
loaits smiling. The car is heard to stop and Boys in- 
crease tumult as they all enter pell-mell, each with a 
suit case.] 

Frank. Glad to see you, old sports! How's every- 
body ? 

Boys. Fine and dandy ! Hello, Dad ! 

Stew^art. [Shaking hands with hoys.] You are all 
heartily welcome, boys, and I sincerely hope that your 
visit may be a very pleasant one. 

Boys. Don't worry. Dad; we always enjoy ourselves. 

Bill. Well, Frankie, where 's the doll ? Trot her out 
and end the suspense. 

Dick. Bill, show a little decency, can't you? 

Ted. Don't ask the impossible, Dick; but honestly, 
Frank, we've gotten our necks twisted like cork screws 
trying to catch a glimpse of her as we came up the road. 

George. For sworn bachelors you fellows become 
mighty nervous over entertaining a girl. 

Ted. But you see this girl is different. "We can en- 
tertain her without being expected to fall in love with 
her. 

Jack. And love is so tiresome in the summer. What 
an ideal place for a nap, Frank. 

Frank. If there was any place suitable for a nap, 
Jackie, you'd find it, wouldn't you, old man? 

Fred. But where 's the girl? 

Boys. Hasn't she come yet? 

Frank. Oh, she's here all right, but just at present 
she is taking her beauty sleep. You know all girls must 
have beaut V sleep. 

Boys. Oh,— oh ! 

Dick. And we made such a racket ! Why didn't you 
tell us, Frank? 

Bill. Why didn't you knock us on the block? I'll 



20 COUSIN GENE 

bet we woke her up and then she'll be awful peevish; I 
know my sisters always are. 

Ted. Yes, but she isn't your sister. Sisters are al- 
ways nice to other fellows — until they catch them. 

Tony. [Enters L. with old- fashioned telescope.] Vas 
iss it, huh ? How do Meester Stewart. How do shentle- 
men. 

Boys. Tony ! 

Bill. Just the man I'm looking for — with an ax. 
Oh, you soda water ! 

Boys. Oh you Tony! [Boys rush at Tony. Tony 
gets behind Mr. Stew^art.] 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? Vy 's the matter ? 

Fred. We ordered soda water! 

Tony. Veil, vy you fuss ? I gif you soda vater. I 
gif you shust vat you ask for. 

Boys. You sure did ! UGH ! UGH ! 

Frank. You knew what we w^anted ; why didn 't you 
mix it right? 

Ste^vart. Because I told him to give you just exactly 
what you ordered. 

Boys. You did? Oh, Dad! "Why? 

Stewart. Because calling things by other than their 
right names is not manly. You are not temperate be- 
cause you call yourselves so and call something soda 
water which is not soda water. If you must drink, 
drink like men. 

Frank. All right, Dad; we forgive you. But oh, 
that soda water! 

Boys. [Making wry faces.] Ugh! Ugh! 

\ Enter Benson from house.] 

Frank. Well, Dad, we promise not to do it ''no 
more," but T think, for Gene's sake, we had better call it 
soda water while she is here. After she leaves we prom- 
ise to reform. Oh, Benson — 

Benson. Yes, sir. 

Frank. This is Tony, who will look after the boys. 
He is a famous mixer of soda water. See that he has 



COUSIN GENE 21 

plenty of ingredients handy. Give him anything he 
asks for. 

Benson. Yes, sir; certainly, sir. [To Tony.] Come 
with me. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? Mine golly, bud dot man has 
got vun fine figger ! Vat you do mit heem, Meester 
Frank? 

Frank. With Benson ? Oh, Benson is our door-plate 
of aristocracy. He's quite harmless, Ton}^, but must 
be dignified so that the neighbors will hold us in proper 
respect. You know that nowadays your neighbors judge 
you not by your own, but by your butler 's worth. 

Tony. Iss dot so? Veil, he iss some dignified. 

[Benson stares stonily before him, then turns and 
goes off R. behind house, followed by Tony.] 

Frank. Come on, boys; I will show you to your 
rooms. I dare say that you would like to shake off some 
of the dust of travel before you meet the fair Gene. 

Bill. Right you are. I feel like I had eaten dust for 
a month. 

Jack. [Who has been lolling on bench L.] Oh, dear! 
I hate to move. 

Fred. [Drags Jack ftvm bench.] Come on, laziness. 
Prepare to meet the lady fair. 

[Boys pick up suit cases and start toward house as 
Gene appears at second story window. Gene is now 
dressed in a stunning dinner gown, a blond wig very up- 
to-date, with fancy hair ornaments. The sun is setting, 
and a ray of light falls directly upon Gene, enhancing 
the beauty of the picture. Gene appears totally uncon- 
scious of the boys, and is looking dreamily off into space. 
Ted sees him first.] 

Ted. Oh, look! What angel fair gazes from yon 
window ? 

[All look up. They have formed in line — Frank, Ted, 
Bill, Dick, George, Fred, Jack. Stewart stands D.L.] 

Boys. Ah! Ah! 

[All take off hats, stand a moment breathless; then, 
Frank leading the way, they slowly enter the house, 



22 COUSIN GENE 

looking np as long as possible. Stewart has held in as 
long as possible; he shouts with laughter anel falls on 
bench L., still laughi)ig, as Gene enters. Gene is now 
an ideal girl, up-to-date in every particular, b\ii his 
slippers hurt dreadfully, and at every opportunity he 
slips them ojf.~\ 

Gene. Good evening, Uncle. Why this unseemly 
mirth ? 

Stewart. [Still laughing.'] Why — why — why this 
is the richest joke I ever participated in. I never saw 
six young scamps so completely bowled. over in my life. 
Staunch members of ''The Bachelor Club," vowed to 
celibacy, yet when they see a pretty girl standing pen- 
sively in the rays of the setting sun, they all proceed 
to fall in love as quickly as any healthy young modern. 

Gene. I did look stunning, didn't I? Posed a la 
Maude Adams, witli chin well up. That usually catches 
them. But say, Uncle, how's the get-up? [Whirls 
around.] 

Stewart. Great ! How does it feel ? 

Gene. Oh, it's not so bad, except the feet and the 
waist line. They pinch like the deuce! [Sits on bench 
beside Stewart and kicks off slijrpers.] Umph ! That's 
better. 

Stewart. Be careful ! They might come out. 

Gene. Can't help it. My feet must breathe once 
in a wliile. 

[Frank enters from house. He is dying to laugh, and 
u'hen he sees Gene, he rushes over, sits beside him and 
howls, which sets Gene and Stewart going again.] 

Frank, Oh, it's great, kid ! Keep it going. They 
are all ready to resign from the Bachelor's Club. Make 
no mistake, this is the joke of the age. 

[They laugh immoderately. Gene still has slippers 
off. Ted, Dick and Bill come on porch; others do not 
see them.] 

Bill. There she is! Say, fellows, she's some girl! 

Frank. [Looks up and^ sees boys; he rises quickly 
and crosses to thein.] Hello, fellows! Ready so soon? 



COUSIN GENE 23 

Gene. [To Stewart.] Get in front of me, Uncle, 
quick, while I step into the torture chambers. 

Stewart. [Rises and meets Frank and hoys center. 
Boys are anxious to get over to Gene, hut Stewart 
manages to hide Gene from view, and talks to hoys. 
Boys try to look over his shoulder, hut he prevents 
them.] Well, boys, did you get rid of the dust of travel? 

Dick. Yes, thank you, we feel quite fit now. [He 
steps aside, Stewart steps in front of him.] 

Bill. Yes indeed, we feel fine and dandy. [Same 
business.] 

Ted. And ready and willing to begin our duties as 
entertainers. [Same business.] . 

Gene. [Loiv to Stewart.] All right, fire away. 

[Stewart steps aside, Frank hrings hoys over. Gene 
rises graciously.] 

Frank. Gene, I want you to meet some of my college 
chums, who have kindly consented to help me show you 
a good time. 

Gene. Oh, how too sweet of them! [Boys nudge 
each other and are emharrassed.] 

Frank. This is Mr. Dick Horton, a shining light in 
the classics and one day bound to be a great poet. 

Dick. [Very embarrassed.] Aw, quit, Frank! 

Gene. [Holds out hand.] How perfectly dear! I 
know that I shall just love Mr. Horton because I simply 
dote on poetry. [Dick is in seventh heaven and forgets 
to let go of Gene's hand.] 

Dick. Would you like it if I wrote some poetry for 
you? 

Gene. Oh, would you? I would simply adore it. 
Something about my golden tresses and naughty blue 
eyes. 

DiCk. [Still holding Gene's hand.] Ah, they could 
not be naughty. [Other hoys become impatient; Frank 
pulls Dick away.] 

Frank. Here, Dickie, the other boj^s want a look-in. 
Pass on! Gene, this is Mr. Bill Tracy, the college 
authority on slang. He knows every slang phrase ever 



24 COUSIN GENE 

invented and in fact has invented some of the most 
popular. 

Bill. Oh, I say, Frank, cut it out! 

Gene. [Holds out hand and cooes.] How too utterly 
sweet! I just adore slang; it is so original, and ex- 
presses one's ideas so quaintly. You must speak some 
for me, Mr. Tracy. 

Bill. [Completely overcome.'] You can bet your 
sweet life I will. 

Gene. Is that slang, or a compliment, Mr. Tracy? 

Frank. Both. Come on. Bill, Ted's getting nervous. 
[He thrusts Bill aside.] And this is our distinguished 
college cut-up, Mr. Ted Manners, guaranteed to chase 
the blues. 

Ted. Say, Frank, don 't queer a fellow ! 

Gene. Mr. Manners! [Holds out hand.] This is 
an exquisite pleasure. I could worship a man who is 
funny. 

Ted. Say, could you honest? Well, just give me a 
chance and I'll tell you some prime jokes. [He is still 
holding Genets hand. The offending slippers are begin- 
ning to hurt. Gene stands first on one foot, then on the 
other. Finally sits on bench. Ted sits down ivith Gene 
still holding his hand. Other boys show signs of jeal- 
ousy.] 

Gene. Could you really? Do you know, I believe 
that we are going to be great friends ? I am beginning 
to like you. [Sqimms feet around.] 

Ted. Are you, honest? Well, I'm beginning to 
love — 

Gene. Oh — Oh — you mustn't say that — yet. 

Ted. [Leans over rapturously.] Yet? Does that 
mean that I may — sometime? [Gene pretends to become 
embarrassed and does not answer.] 

Bill. [Has crossed to Frank.] Say, Frank, this 
ain't on the level. Ted's just monopolizing her. 

Ted. And don't you like it? I thought that you 

would be tickled to death to get out of entertaining her. 

Dick. Well — er — we don't mind entertaining her; 



COUSIN GENE 25 

we only drew the line at making love. [Stewart laughs, 
aside.] 

Frank. All right, I'll blaze the trail. Come on. 
[He crosses to Gene, hoys following.'] I hope that you 
won't be dull here, Gene. 

Ted. [Aside J] The dickens! 

Gene. [Pulls hand from Ted and pretends to he 
overcome with embarrassment.] Oh, cousin Frank, how 
you startled me! I was so engrossed in Mr. Manners' 
clever anecdotes that I had become completely oblivious 
to my surroundings. What was it you asked me? 

Frank. I merely said that I hoped you would not 
be dull here. 

Gene. Dull? Oh, I am sure that that would be 
impossible with these charming boys. 

Dick. [Sits heside Gene.] It shall be our one ambi- 
tion, Miss Gene, to see that you have a delightful and 
long-to-be-remembered vacation. 

Gene. How sweet ! Do you always speak poetically, 
Mr. Horton? 

Bill. Oh, Dick's all to the good on jingles. [Dick 
glares at him. Bill leans over the hack of the he^ich.] 

Gene. [Pretending hewilderment.] Jingles? What 
are jingles? 

Bill. Rhymes — poetry. 

Gene. [Laughs.] Oh, I see, slang, you funny boy. 
Oh, Mr. Manners, would you object to going into the 
library and bringing me that book which I left on the 
table by the window ? [Squirms feet.] 

Ted. I shall be delighted.. [Buns into house.] 

Gene. Oh, dear, I am famished for a drink of water. 

Bill. I'm Johnny on the spot. 

Dick. Allow me. [Both run off.] 

Gene. [Kicks off shoes.] Gosh! I can't stand those 
blooming shoes and I simply must have a cigarette. 
[Takes Frank's cigarette case from Frank's pocket and 
lights cigarette. Frank sits heside him on hench, he- 
tween Gene and the house.] 

Frank. Gene, Gene, you'll spoil it! 



26 COUSIN GENE 

Gene. Say, if you think it's funny to cram an eight 
and a half foot into a four shoe and pull a thirty-two 
inch waist line to twenty-two and a half, try it; but 
believe me, it is worse than seeing the home team get 
whipped. [George, Fred and Jack enter from house 
and stand on porch. Frank is between Gene and hoys; 
they can not tell that Gene is smoking. Stewart coughs. 
Gene lool's np, sees hoys and hastily thrusts cigarette 
into Frank ^s mouth.] 

Gene. Beat it ! Some more dumb heads. Go hold 
them close while I don the pumps. 

Frank. [Rises hastily and crosses to hoys.] Hello, 
fellows ! Took you some time to make your toilets, but 
it pays. My, but you look stunning ! 

[Gene reaches down to put on slippers, catches George 
looking, straightens np and appears innocent. George 
looks away. He tries again, hut finds Fred looking, and 
straightens up.] 

George. It wouldn't have taken us so long, but Jack 
went to sleep on the suit cases and we couldn't get 
our clothes. 

Jack. Nothing of the sort. I was on the bed. 

Fred. Yes, when you woke up. We threw you there 
in desperation. 

Frank. [Aside.] Got the shoe on yet? 

Gene. No! [Waves frantically to Stewart, who 
finally comes over.] Say, Uncle, bend over and pretend 
to pick up something while I get this bally pump on. 
Those fellows insist on looking. 

Stewart. With the greatest of pleasure. [He hends 
over and Gene slips his feet into the pumps and 7'ises.] 

Gene. All right, thanks. [Stewart, unahle to con- 
trol his laughter, exits R.] 

Frank. Gene, here are the rest of the boys. They 
are very anxious to meet you. 

Gene. Charmed, I'm sure. 

Frank. Allow me to present Mr. George Adams, Mr. 
Fred Ripley and ]\Ir. Jack Rawdon. 



COUSIN GENE 27 

Boys. [Bowing repeatedly.] Charmed; charmed; 
delighted; glad to meet you. 

Ted. [Running on from house.] I'm awfully sorry, 
Miss Gene, but there was no book on the table. I searched 
every place ; but here 's one I wish you would read for 
my sake. 

Gene. [Siveetly.] I would read Ibsen for your sake, 
Mr. Manners. [Reads title.] "Love at First Sight." 
How entrancing ! Do you believe in love at first sight, 
Mr. Manners? 

Ted. Yesterday I would have said ''No" most em- 
phatically, but today — ah — today is different. 

Gene. [Coquettishly.] Why is today so different? 

Ted. Come over here and I will tell you. [He leads 
Gene up stage to hench center. They sit.] 

George. Now see what you have done. Jack, with 
your everlasting napping! Ted's got the inside track, 
and there's no show for us at all. 

Fred. It makes me tired. Why didn't you call us, 
Frank ? 

Frank. Don't worry, boys; your time will come; 
but let me tell you what she told Dick, that she was 
crazy for some one to write a poem about her eyes and 
hair. 

Boys. She did? 

Frank. Sure thing. You boys are good at poetry. 
Write some and make a hit with her. 

Boys. We will! 

Jack. Poetry is so tiresome. 

Frank. You might write her a slumber song. 

Jack. That's right; I never thought of that. Come 
on, boys, let's get busy. 

[The three go L., sit on bench, take out paper and 
pencil and begin to rack their brains for ideas. Tony 
enters with a tray upon which is a stein. Bill and Dick 
accompany him.] 

Bill. Did you think that we would never get back? 
We couldn't make this dunderhead Dutchman 



28 COUSIN GENE 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? I ain't no Dutchman; I'm 
a German. 

Bill. I beg your i)ardon, Tony. [To Gene.] We 
couldn't make this dunderhead German undei^tand 
wliat we wanted. We tried to surprise you and have him 
make a nice glass of lemonade, but he never heard the 
word before. Mr. Stewart came, however, and he soon 
made him fix you up a nice ladylike drink. He said 
that you needn't be afraid of it. 

Gene. A ladylike drink in a stein? Is that proper? 
I am only a simple little girl, you know, and I wouldn't 
want to do anything unconventional. 

Dick. I told Mr. Stewart that I w^as sure that you 
would object, but he said that you wouldn't after you 
had tasted it. 

Gene. [Aside.'] This is the limit, me drinking lady- 
like drinks, but I guess it all goes in. [Tastes the drink 
gingerly, hut is immediately delighted.'] Bless his heart ; 
I certainly won't object. That is my favorite brand — 
I mean beverage. If you don't mind the trouble, I wish 
you would bring me another, Tony, just like it. I am 
very thirsty, and I am sure that I could drink another 
small glass. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Schmall yes? Schmaller 
dan dis one, huh? 

Gene. [In a fierce aside.] If you make it any 
smaller I'll break your head. I want as much as you 
can cram in. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Yass, Miss, I vill do it. 
[Aside.] Dot's a funny lady for dese boys to be sociat- 
ing mit. She wants anuder vun as pig as dot vun, und 
dot vun vas a Martini cocktail in disgust. Mein Gott 
in Himmel! Dere girls kin go some dese days. Mr. 
Stewart, he says in a visper, "Make it a Martini und 
fill der stein, but doft't let der boys know." Dere is 
somedings vunny here. 

Ted. Tony, didn't you hear Miss Gene ask you to 
get her some more of that beverage ? Get a move on you. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Yes, I will go. [Exits. 



COUSIN GENE 29 

Stewart enters. Gene runs to him and thrown her 
arms around his neck.] 

Dick. Heigho ! . I wish I was Dad. 

Gene. Yon dear, darling Uncle. I must kiss you for 
that delightful drink. [Low.] You're all right, Uncle. 
Just get me away for a few minutes, so I can take off the 
wig and shoes and cool off, and I will love you forever. 

Ted. Her devotion to her Uncle is touching. I love 
a girl like that. 

Dick. Oh, you do, do you? Say, don't let yourself 
get in too deeply; there are others. [Ted glares at 
him.] 

Stewart. [For benefit of hoys.] Gene, dear, would 
you care to walk with me down to the cliff to see the 
sunset ? There is a beautiful view from there. 

Gene. Oh, how too sweet ! I just dote on sunsets. 
To lie on your back, your feet resting on a rock higher 
than your head — a cigarette — 

Frank. Easy, easy. Girls don't put their feet higher 
than their heads and smoke cigarettes. 

Gene. [Pretending to he hiirt.] You mistake my 
meaning, Cousin. I was referring to Uncle. But there 
aren't any cows, are there, Uncle? I am dreadfully 
afraid of cows. [Gives a little scream.] 

Bill. I love a girl that's afraid of cows. 

Dick. What right have you to speak of love ? 

Bill. If you're so anxious to know — none of your 
business. [They glare at each other.] 

Gene. Farewell, dear boys, for a time. I am going 
to say goodnight to the sun. [Loiv to Stewart.] 
Hurry, these dam shoes will kill me. 

[Stewart and Gene exit L. Frank, laughing, exits 
into house. Ted, Bill and Dick stand center glaring at 
each other. George, Fred and Jack are still writing 
diligently. Ted sees them,, and his sunnier disposition 
comes to the rescue.] 

Ted. Say, fellows, look! [Bill and Dick turn; 
others are unconscious.] What's up, boys? What on 
earth are you doing? 



30 COUSIN GENE 

Boys. Frank said that she adored poetry. 

Ted, Bill and Dick. That's what she said! [Each 
takes out paper and pencil. Ted, Bill and Dick go D.R. 
and sit, Ted and Bill on the bench, Dick on chair nearer 
center. All begin to nibble their pencils and think.] 

Jack. [Reading.] 

When day is done and night is here, 

I begin to feel so queer, 
So queer because I want you, dear — 

Boys. [Turning on him.] Shut up! 
Ted. Say, Dickie, give me a sweet word to rhyme 
with cool. 

Dick. [Busily writing.] Fool. 

Ted. Yes, but I'd hate to call her a fool. 

Dick. Perhaps; but she can call you one. 

Ted. Aw, shut up ! 

Bill. [Reads his poetry.] 

On the level, kid, you got me going. 
Love me, or there'll be something doing. 

George. There'll be something doing if you don't 
shut up. How can I think when you insist on talking. 
We were getting along very nicely when you fellows 
butted in. Who asked you to write poetry? 

Bill. Say, listen to what's conversing. You don't 
happen to hold a lease on the premises, do you, Georgie ? 

Tony. [Enters with tray.]. Yas iss it, huh? Vere 
is dere young lady vat vanted der cock — der drink? 
She is gone, yass? 

Ted. [Looks up.] Hello, Tony. She went down to 
the cliff to say ''Good night to the sun." Give me that; 
I'll take it to' her. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh ? All right, bud don'd open der 
lid ; it vill spoil if der air blows on it. 

Ted. Don't worry; I will guard it carefully for the 
sake of the sweet lips that will sip it. [Exits L. Tony 
exits R. Boys look up disgustedly.] 



COUSIN GENE 31 

Bill. Say, can you beat that? That insolent cad is 
always butting in. If she had wanted him she would 
have invited him. 

George. Some fellows have lots of nerve. 

Fred. And luck. But don't interrupt me; I have a 
beautiful train of thought. [Reads.'] 

New England's sun is slowly setting 
Behind the rugged cliff — 

I like that— ''Rugged cliff—" 

Bill. I would like it better if you would fall off of 
that rugged cliff. 

Dick. [Reads.] 

Gene, what magic music sounding 

In the beauty of thy name ; 
It sets my pulses bounding, 

It sets my heart aflame. 
Thy hair, dear one's a prison 

In which my soul is fast; 
Thy eyes fulfill life's mission 

When on me they 're cast. 

Jack. Aw, what's the use? Dick always wins the 
prize for poetry. 

Bill. Humph! I don't think so much of that. She 
said that she adored slang. Mine's in slang. 

George. Did she ? I believe I '11 try slang. 

Fred. So will I. I'm good at slang. 

[They all ivrite earnestly. The sun has set and twi- 
light is deepening. The stage is gradually getting dark. 
Gene suddenly runs in L., wig in one hand, shoes in the 
other, looking hack evidently trying to avoid some one 
who is following. Gene does not see the ^^ Poets'' until 
he is center.] 

Gene. Great Scott! 

[Gene rims to house, collides with Tony, ivho is enter- 
ing. He throivs him across stage and runs into house. 
Tony sprawls center and rises slowly, looking bewildered. 



32 COUSIN GENE 

The noise of the fall rouses the hoys, who look up an- 
noyed. Ted runs in L. It is now almost dark. Tony 
is left of center; his big white apron deceives Ted, ivho 
thinks it is Gene. He throws his arms around Tony and 
kisses him as Stewart enters L. and Frank R. Boys 
rise hut keep positions.] 

Ted. You little witch ! Did you think you could 
outrun me ? I claim my kiss. 

Tony. Gott in Himmel, vas iss it, huh ? 

[Frank and Stewart are nearly convulsed with 
laughter.'] 

Ted. Tony ! Ugh ! How dare you get in my way 
when I was trying to catch Miss Gene? Have you seen 
her, boys? 

Boys. No, she didn't come here. 

Ted. That's strange. I went down to the cliff, but 
could only find Mr. Stewart. Mr. Stewart said that she 
had seen me coming and had said that if I caught her 
I could claim a kiss. I caught a glimpse of her and 
gave chase. She must have come this way. I saw her. 

Bill. So it seems ! Look here, Ted, you're not square. 
You don't give the rest of us a chance to make love — to 
entertain her. 

Ted. That 's your fault ; you 're slow. 

Boys. Oh, are we? 

Jack. Look ! 

[Gene again is seen in upper window. Stage is dim, 
hut room hehind Gene is hrilliantly lighted. Gene 
stands left of window so that light hehind falls directly 
on face. Gene is evidently unaware of the hoys helow, 
hut is gazing off into space as when first seen. As Jack 
speaks Bill and Dick move C. to see better, Ted C, 
Jack, George and Fred L. C. Frank and Stewart 
come D. L.; they laugh quietly hut immoderately. Tony 
is U. L.] 

Boys. Gene ! 

[Each falls on knee, holding up poem he has written.'] 
Bill Ted Jack Tony 

Dick George Fred Frank Stewart 

curtain. 



COUSIN .GENE 33 



ACT III. 

Scene — Same as Act II. 

Time — Evening of the next day. It is moonlight. The 
house is hrilUantly lighted. The bench D. L. is in 
shadow. Gene, in a stunning evening gown, is 
seated on bench with his feet propped on a small 
rustic table, calmly smoking a cigarette. A piano 
is being played in the house and the boys are singing 
popular songs, very loudly at first, with the evi- 
dent intention to impress some one. After curtain 
they sing softly so as not to obscure Gene's lines. 

Gene. Sing on, ye fools, sing on! I hope to merry 
Moses that I can finish this cigarette before any of those 
dumb heads come nosing around. I haven't had one 
minute 's peace in the last twenty-four hours. The stupid 
things even had the nerve to sit under my window all 
night like a pack of blood-hounds with the pip, and 
howl love songs such as — [One of the boys sing loudly, 
''Love Me and the World Is 3Iine."] Yes, that's it. I 
got that song last night in sixteen different keys and 
on so many scales I felt like a fish. I'd like to choke 
the guy that had the nerve to write it. When they got 
so hoarse that they couldn't sing they recited impas- 
sioned love scenes. I Avas Juliet; I was Rosalind; I 
was Cleopatra ; I Avas every woman that ever had a guy 
dippy about her. If the girls whom I have pursued 
with my affections have been as desperate and as close to 
committing murder as I have been since those fools 
arrived, I'm only sorry that they didn't go ahead and 
do it. I have received six perfectly original love poems, 
raving in such extravagant terms about my matchless 
beauty that I am ready to admit it without proof. I 
have been called turtle dove — angel face — sweetheart- 
birdie — pigeon and every animal and bird known and 
unknown. What a bally fool a man is w^hen he is in 



34 COUSIN GENE 

love ! [The last strain of, ^^Meet Me Tonight in Dream- 
land," is heing sung hy the hoys.] Meet you tonight 
in Dreamland? Well, not if I see you first. But how 
in thunder can they expect to meet me in Dreamland 
when they won't give me a chance to get there. But 
believe little Gene if tonight's program resembles last 
night 's I 'm going to bribe Tony to turn on the hose. 

[The music stops and Tt^d enters from the house. He 
sees Gene and crosses to C. Just as he speaks Gene 
taJx'es a long draw on cigarette.] 

Ted. [Sentimentally.] Gene ! 

Gene. [Under breath.] Great Scott! [Quickly 
brings feet down from table and begins to moan as 
though ill.] 

Ted. [Reproachfully.] Smoking a cigarette, Miss 
Gene ? 

Gene. [Moaning.] Oh, dear ! Oh, dear ! I saw j^ou 
smoke one and I thought that if you liked them they 
must be nice. So I tried one, and, oh dear, it has made 
me so ill. Do cigarettes make you ill, Mr. Manners? 
I 'm dying, oh, I am sure that I am dying, oh — oh — oh ! 

Ted. You poor little duck ! 

Gene. [Aside.] I'm a duck now. Can you beat it? 
[Aloud.] Oh— oh— oh! 

Ted. Poor little girl ! I remember my first cigarette. 

Gene. Do you think that I will die, Mr. Manners ? 

Ted. No, no. Death from cigarettes is never sud- 
den — it is long drawn out. 

[Ted sits beside Gene and puts his arm around hiiu.] 
Come lay your head on my shoulder ; that will make you 
feel better. 

Gene. I am sure that it would, but it wouldn't be 
proper, you know. Oh ! Oh ! I'm so sick. [Drops head 
on Ted's shoulder.] 

Ted. Poor little cherub ! [Squeezes Gene.] 

Gene. [Aside.] A cherub! Me a cherub 1 [Aloud.] 
Oh— oh! 

Ted. I will carry you into the house. You must have 
attention. 



COUSIN GENE 35 

Gene. Oh, but you can't carry me; I'm too heavy. 
Oh dear ! Oh dear ! 

Ted. I can't? Such a little slip of sweetness? I 
could carry you with one hand. 

Gene. [Aside] If he doesn't stop the slushy talk 
I'll break loose sure. [Aloud.] Indeed, Mr. Manners, 
I am heavier than you think. Besides, it wouldn't be 
proper. Oh dear, I am so sick. Go on, Mr. Manners, 
just leave me alone; I am going to die, but you mustn't 
see me. 

Ted. Poor little tootsem ! 

Gene. [Aside.] Tootsem! Gosh! 

Ted. Does it think that I couldn 't carry it ? 

Gene. [Aside.] ''It" — ye Gods, what next? 
"[Aloud.] Oh ! Oh ! Go away and leave me, Mr. Man- 
ners, I am dying. Why, oh why, did I smoke that ciga- 
rette? [Gene has plenty of funny aside business during 
entire scene.] 

Ted. You poor baby ! You must have some medicine. 
I will carry you, and the proprieties be hanged. [Throws 
arms around Gene and tries to lift him, hut finds it im- 
possible.] What the — say, you're heavier than I sus- 
pected. 

Gene. [Aside.] Stung! [Aloud.] Yes, I am much 
heavier than I look; that is from playing foot — er, I 
mean basket-ball. Oh dear, perhaps you had better call 
the other boys to help you. 

Ted. [His jealousy aroused.] Let one of those boobs 
touch you. No, indeed. Mine alone shall be the sweet 
task. 

Gene. [Aside.] It will be some task, I promise you. 

[Ted tries again to lift Gene. Gene alloivs himself to 
he lifted to a standing posture, takes a few steps from 
bench and immediately proceeds to faint. Ted staggers 
under the weight, though he protests.] 

Ted. You are not so heavy ; really you are not. 

[He is out of hreath tvith the struggle, and when Gene 
faints he all hut collapses with him. He is in a serious 
predicament, heing too far from the hench to put Gene 



36 COUSIN GENE 

down, and after several efforts finds that it is impossible 
to move on. ivith him. Tony and Benson enter, to Ted^s 
immense relief.^ 

Ted. Oh, Tony, assist me with Miss Gene. She is ill 
and has fainted. 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Fainted? I tink she need 
some more off dot drink, yet. 

Gene. [Aside.'] ' Right you are, Tony. You're all 
to the good ! 

Benson. How can I. assist you, sir ? Command me. 

Ted. You take her feet, Benson ; now, Tony, support 
her at the waist and I will support her head and shoul- 
ders. There, poor little girl. 

[Business of getting Gene in position.'] 

Gene. [Aside.] If they drop me — good-night. 

Tony. [They are now ready to carry Gene to house.] 
Vas iss it, huh ? Vas made der lady sick ? 

Ted. Those fool boys, I guess. 

Gene. [Aside.] And that's no lie. [They start to- 
ward house, Benson leading. Stewart, Frank and 
hoys enter from house.] 

SteW' ART. Bless my soul, what has happened ? 

Benson. The j^oung — [hesitates — Gene kicks him] — ' 
er lady has fainted, sir. 

Boys. [In consternation.'] Fainted ! 

Frank. Oh, that's nothing; all girls do that. 

Gene. [Aside.] If they feel as silly as I do I pity 
them. 

\Boys file down, Bill, Dick, George, Jack, Fred 
passing D. L. in front of Benson, Jean, Tony and Ted, 
who carry Gene into house. Each hoy speaks as he 
passes Gene.] 

Bill. Gene, poor kiddo ! 

Dick. Gene, little angel! 

George. Gene, what a shame! 

Jack. Gene ! 

Fred. Gene, I'm awfully sorry. 

Gene. [Aside.'] Gene, Gene, Gene; it's enough to 
make one rise from the dead. [They go into house. 



COUSIN GENE 37 

Frank and Stewart stand C; both are higlihj amused. 
Boys are D. L.; all shade heads and look troubled.] 

Boys. Poor Gene! 

Bill. What knocked the poor kiddo out? She sure 
did look all to the bad. Wonder what made her sick ? 

Dick. That poetry you wrote, I suppose. That would 
make an^^body sick. 

Bill. Aw, cut it out ; you '11 make me forget that I 'm 
a gentleman. 

Dick. I didn't think you ever knew it. 

[Jack sits on bench, sees cigarette stump, where Gene 
has dropped it. He picks it up.] 

Jack. Ah, a clew to the mystery. [Holds up stump.] 

George. You don't mean to insinuate that Gene 
would smoke a cigarette? 

Boys. [Threatening.] He had better not. 

Jack. No, can't you see? That unmannerly Ted 
evidently took advantage of the poor little thing's youth 
and innocence and smoked one in her presence. 

Bill. And the fumes knocked her out. No wonder 
he was so afraid to tell what had happened. He's tried 
all day to get the inside track and cut the rest of us out. 
Well, that will finish him all right. No girl would ever 
forgive a fellow for a trick like that. 

Dick. Ted seems to stand in, though; he's in her 
charming presence oftener than the rest of us. 

Bill. That is because his unadulterated nerve will 
not allow him to understand when he is not wanted. 

Boys. He has some nerve. 

Dick. Now look here, boys ; something must be done. 
Ted 's a friend of ours, to be sure, and a first-rate fellow, 
to a certain extent, but we know that he is not good 
enough for Miss Gene. We must devise some means of 
saving her from making a mistake. 

Stewart. [Aside to Frank.] Such unselfish devo- 
tion ! They 're fine bachelors, Frank. 

Bill. That's right. One of us ought to speak to Miss 
Gene and in a — well, in a slick way, put her wise to the 
fact that Ted is all to the good as a pal, but nix for" a 



38 COUSIN GENE 

husband. Of course, she must not get on to the fact 
that slie is being warned — it must be done in a diplomatic 
way so she feels the effect but doesn't know the reason. 

George. You might mesmerize her. 

Frank. [Coining foncard.] See here! As President 
of the Bachelor Club, I feel that I must read you gen- 
tlemen a fiery lecture. Ten days ago you made a solemn 
vow — 

Bill. Aw, shut up, Frank ; cut the preacher act. 

Frank. But I feel it my duty to warn you, inasmuch 
as it is I who have put temptation in your way. I 
promised you that you need not make love to my cousin ; 
you were simply to help to entertain her, and here in 
less than twenty-four hours you are all desperately in 
love. Last week you declared that you hated girls, 

Dick. Ah, yes ; but, Frank, those were the ravings of 
unawakened souls. Then we did not know Gene ! 

Boys. [All sigh.] Gene ! 

Stewart. [Aside.l This is nothing to the real 
awakening. 

Frank. A week ago you vowed that you would never 
marry. 

Bill. Yes, but then our lamps had not beheld Gene ! 

Boys. [Sigh.] Gene ! 

Stewart. [Aside] When a normal man falls in love 
it is a tragedy; but when a conceited young coxcomb is 
wounded by the fiery shaft, it's a darn good joke. 

Frank. A week ago you declared that a woman would 
hamper your career. 

Fred. One w^ould need no career with Gene. 

Boys. [Sigh.] Gene ! 

Stew^vrt. [Aside] What a mighty fall is here. 

Frank. A week ago you vowed to know many, love 
few and marry none. 

George. I would change that none to one if that one 
might be Gene ! 

Boys. [Sigh.] Gene ! 

Stewart. [Aside.] They are surely in the toils of 



COUSIN GENE 39 

Frank. And, lastly, you swore to forfeit one thou- 
sand dollars if you broke that vow. 

Jack. Gene would be cheap at half the price. 

Boys. [Sigh.] Ge — [Realize what Jack has said.] 
Huh? 

Jack. Er — er I mean — at treble the price. 

Boys. [Sigh.] Gene! 

Frank. I see there's no scaring you boys. Well, 
good luck to the winner. I'm sorry you can't all have 
her but I '11 be glad to welcome any one of you as cousin. 

Boys. Thanks ! 

Bill. Come on, fellows, I suppose there is no chance 
to get another glimpse of the divine Gene tonight. Let's 
take a little row on the brimy deeps of the lake. 

Fred. I 'm with you ! Anything to cool this fever 
in me heart. 

Frank. That's right, boys, go ahead and have a 
good time. 

[Boys exit L. laughing. Frank ojicI Stew^art laugh 
heartily. 1 

Frank. Oh, dad, did you ever see such a lot of love 
sick fools in your life? Gene won't have to masquerade 
much longer. They are all ready to get down on their 
knees and pop the question at the slightest provocation. 
But I must prolong the agony. 

Stewart. And what is your opinion now of Bachelor 
Clubs? 

Frank. Dad, don't say a word; I'm reformed. 
These love sick swains hold the mirror up to me. I 
know that I would fall as easily as they have if placed in 
the same position. This day has taught me that the 
ladies are not only inevitable but also indispensable. I 
mean to resign from the Bachelor Club and hunt a wife. 

Stewart. That's the first sensible thing you've said 
since you entered college. 

Tony. [Enters ivith stein.'] Vas iss it, huh? 'Scuse, 
Meester Stewart, but dot young lady vat you gall Mees 
Gene, she haf shust ordered von more drink like you 



40 COUSIN GENE 

make her. Dot is six in ten minutes. I touglit maybe 
likely you should vant she not haf so many. 

Frank. Six? Great Scott! I'll have to go hold 
his head under the hydrant. [Exits Jmrricdhj into 
house.~\ 

Tony. Veil, I guess as long as dis von iss made yet, 
it vould be a sin to vaste it. I nefer indulge bud I hate 
to trow it oud. I vill shust trink it. [Drinhs.'] Mine 
golly dot vas goot. She said pring her anuder und 
anuder und anuder. I tink I had better make dose 
udders und it vould be a shame to vaste them. [Exits 
into house. Enter Benson.] 

Benson. [To Stewart.] If you please, sir, the 
young gentleman, sir 

Stewart. Which young gentleman? 

Benson. The one dressed like a lady, sir. 

Stewart. Benson, I'm ashamed of you. Didn't I 
tell you 3'Ou saw no young gentleman? You saw only 
my niece, a young lady. 

Benson. Yes, sir, if you please, sir, but it wouldn't 
sound well to deliver the message as sent by a young 
lady, sir, and knowing you knew, sir, and knowing you 
knew that I knew, I made bold to speak as I did, sir. 

Stewart. Well, don't make so bold again. What 
•was the message? 

Benson. I was to tell you, sir, to tell those bally, 
blank, blank fools that if they sang love songs under her 
Avindow tonight she'd take a blank, blank revolver and 
blow their blank, blank heads off, if you please, sir. 

Stewart. I thank you, Benson, for the blanks. Trust 
me, I shall deliver the message but with a more lady- 
like interpretation. 

Benson. Thank you, sir. [Exits into liouse.'] 

Ted. [Enters from house ^ looking haek to ivaff kisses 
toward Gene's ivindow; he does not see Stewart, who 
has gone D. L.] My Love! My sweet! What passion 
doth consume me. I who ever mocked you. Love, oh, 
how bitterly am I punished? Romeo, in all your woe 
you ne'er suffered the pangs of love as I do now. I 



COUSIN GENE 41 

will walk in the forest; mayhap nature has some cun- 
ning to allay the fever, and when next I meet my love 
I will unburden my soul and learn from her fair lips, 
my fate. [Exits L. with tragic stride.] 

Stewart. [Laughs heartily.] This one raves as 
though he had lately been to the theatre to see Shake- 
speare done to a finish. Well, Puck, I say with thee, 
"What fools these mortals be!" 

[Enter Frank and Gene from house.] 

Gene. [Goes D. L. to bench.] Now, look here, if I 
can't have a drink now and then to brace me up to 
meet this bunch of lunatics, I'm going to quit. [Pulls 
off slippers.] Drat those slippers ! 

Frank. I don't object to one drink occasionally but 
when you go to it like a herd to a mill stream, it's time 
to stop ! 

Tony. [Enters with letter; he is slightly intoxi- 
cated.] Vas iss it, huh? Here iss a letter vich der maid 
said vas forgot ven der mail — hie ! — vas brought vrom 
der village — 

Frank. [Takes letter.] Tony what is the matter 
with you? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Mazzer wis me? Nozzing 
mazzer wis me — Young lady ordered six more drinks — 
nozzing mazzer wiz me — 

Gene. And I suppose that you are trying to give 
the impression that "SHE" drank them. 

Frank. He's giving a pretty good impression of 
w^hat w^ould have happened if she had. Get along, you 
rascal! All orders are cancelled. The young lady 
doesn't want another drink tonight. [To7iy goes off R.] 
This letter's for you. Gene. Lucky the boys didn't see 
it, "Mr. Gene Stewart." [Gives letter to Gene, then 
crosses to Mr. Stewart who is sitting D. R. They sit 
and talk.] 

Gene. [Reads letter.] Great Scott! It's all off, 
Frank, I've got to quit! 

Frank & S. [Jump up.] What! You've got to what? 

Gene. Quit ! 



42 COUSIN GENE 

Frank & S. [Dropping into seat.] Oh! 

Frank. [Jumps up and crosses to Gene.] But, 
Gene, you can't! Everything is going just great. The 
boys have fallen into the trap, swallowed bait and hook, 
they're caught and ready to be done to a finish. You 
can't desert me now. Gene. 

Stewart. Don't quit now, lad, the fun is at its 
height and I am anxious I own to see it through. 

Frank. Quit, when you have six amorous swains 
sighing for you? 

Gene. Six dumb fools ! 

Stewart. Six budding poets writing sonnets to your 
budding nose? 

Gene. Oh, shucks! 

Frank. Six dashing young gallants chanting love 
songs beneath your window? 

Gene. Yes, and keeping me awake all night. Just 
listen to this. [Un folds letter.] Um — um — the first 
part wouldn't interest you. 

Frank. By these presents I know who 'tis from. 
Proceed with the verdict. 

Gene. [Reads.] ''You say that you are going to 
visit your cousin, Frank Stewart. His sister, Gertrude, 
was my dearest friend at school, and has often pressed 
me to visit her. I haven't heard from her for some 
time, but I always told her that when I did come that 
it would be as a surprise, so don't breathe a word of 
what I am about to tell you. I am coming on Wednes- 
day and will stay until Friday." Will you — um-um. 
The rest is not important. Now do you see the fix I 
am in ? If Gladys comes here and discovers me in these 
togs, making love to six young idiots, even though they 
are of my sex, she will be furious and it will be all up 
with me. 

Frank. But just think, man, what a lesson you are 
teaching these fellows — you have converted them from 
sworn bachelors to swearing: suitors. 

Gene. Yes, and don't forget that at the same time 
I am raising six rivals for myself. 



COUSIN GENE 43 

Frank. Say, don't get the idea that because your 
Gladys has made you lose the little sense you ever had, 
that every other fellow must see with your eyes. There 
are dozens of girls who could make your "Swan a 
crow. ' ' 

Gene. Well, if there are, I haven't met them and 
I have met nearly every girl worth meeting. 

Stewart. Instead of quarrelling, you boys had bet- 
ter look to — the business in hand. If Gene feels that 
he has to quit, bring matters to a climax tonight. The 
boys are all ready to projjose. Indeed I heard Ted 
avow his intention, a la Eomeo, to propose at the next 
meeting. 

Frank. That will save us! Play your part well, 
tonight. Gene, and I have no idea but that you will be 
free to welcome Gladys tomorrow. And, believe me, 
we will give her a royal welcome. There will be seven 
reformed bachelors in her train. 

Gene. Yes? And where do I come in? 

Frank. Oh, you will shine resplendent among us 
all because your art brought us to our senses, and Gladys 
can get busy and find suitable wdves for the bunch. 

Gene. And are you cured too? 

Frank. Absolutely ! I am going on a still hunt for 
a wife immediately. 

Gene. [Jumps up.] Good for you! If my torture 
of the past night and day accomplishes no more, I am 
satisfied. 

Tony. [Enters with stein.] HIC ! Vas iss it, huh? 
Sought maybe young lady might want nuzzer — er — a 
soda wasser, hie! If Misser Frank so-no-yet, hie, it 
vould be a shame to wase it — hie ! 

Gene. The young lady does! Hand it over, Tony, 
I wish to drink to the good luck of my cousin who has 
regained his senses. [Tal^es stein from Tony, who 
wcdchcs him drink with comical expression of disap- 
pointment.] That will be enough for tonight, Tony. 
Please stop taking my name in vain. I have ordered no 
more drinks of any description. 



44 COUSIN GENE 

Tony. [Takes stein ruefully and looks in.] Vas iss 
it, huh ? All gone and you don 't vant no more ? 

Frank. No, you rascal! Don't make another till I 
order it. Get out, you're drunk! 

Tony. Vas is it, huh? Misser Frank, you insuld 
me. I nefer vas drunk in my life yed. I am a tee- 
dottier. I nefer ged drunk. [Starts to house.] 

Frank. Then I beg your pardon, Tony. I have seen 
so few drunken men in my life I may be mistaken. 

Tony. You — hie — you vas mistaken Misser Frank — 
I nefer get drunk — no — I nefer get drunk. [Exit into 
house.} 

Stewart. Come, Frank, we will leave. It is almost 
time for the boys to return. Gene must be alone and 
romantically situated to lure them to their finish. 

Frank. Wait a minute. [Runs to house hut returns 
immediately with pillows.'] Gene, you must be the in- 
teresting convalescent. Come here and sit on the bench 
— I will prop the pillows behind you. Got any powder ? 
[Gene opens a small vanity case attached to a chain 
around his neck.] Now we will get a sympathy racket 
pallor. [Powders Gene's face, Mr. Stewart comes with 
foot stool and scarf.] Now your dainty feet on the 
stool. Where are your slippers? For Heaven's sake 
keep them on! [Rushes for slippers and puts them on 
Gene.] 

Gene. Gosh ! They hurt ! 

Frank. Can't help it. Got to stand it an hour 
longer at least. [Stewart drapes scarf around Gene's 
head.] Artistic to the limit! If they don't propose 
one and all I'll drink sixteen soda waters and order 
them by their right name. Come on, Dad, we leave our 
modern Cleopatra to snare not one, but six Antonies. 

Gene. Farewell. When next we meet I'll be en- 
gaged or dead. 

[Exit Stewart and Frank into house.] 

Gene. Ghee! Do I have to hold this pose till one 
of those guys appears? It seems to me that girls must 
be mighty uncomfortable, posing all the time. Wonder 



COUSIN GENE 45 

if I would have time to smoke a cigarette before one of 
them makes hideous the night with his vision and love 
howls? [Bill and Dick laugh off L.] No chance, they 
approach. [Lies hack among pillows.] I think this 
pose is positively alluring. 

[Enter Bill and Dick.] 

Bill. [Looks up at window and speaks softly.] 
Gene! 

Dick. [Looks up at window and speaks softly.] 
Gene ! Gene ! 

Gene. [Aside.] The fire is lit, now let it consume 
me. [Aloud and very sweetly.] Ahem! 

Bill & Dick. [Hurry to her.] Miss Gene! 

Bill. Glad to see you out, Miss Gene. Hope you're 
feeling up to the mark. 

Gene. Up to the mark? Ah, Mr. Bill, I am afraid 
that I do not always understand you, you speak so 
quaintly. 

Dick. Allow me to explain. Miss Gene. 

Bill. Just keep your oar out, Dick. 

Gene. [Innocently.] Keep your oar out? Oh, you 
are referring to your row upon the lake, 

Dick. No, Miss Gene, Bill in his bungling, slangy 
way [Bill looks daggers at Dick.] means to ask how 
you feel and to tell me to mind my own business. 

Gene. [Siveetly.] Oh, surely Mr. Bill wouldn't be 
so unkind as to say that to you ? 

Bill. [Aside.] Wouldn't he? Well, that's not a 
circumstance to what Mr. Bill would like to do to him. 

Dick. How are you feeling now, Miss Gene? Have 
you quite recovered from the noxious fumes of that 
atrocious cigarette? 

Gene. Atrocious cigarette ? Surely Mr. Ted has not 
told 

Bill. Told? No the rascally dope slinger wouldn't 
peach on himself. But we found the end of it and 
believe me w^e 're not babes in the wood ; we were on to 
the fact in a minute what the rummy guy had been 
doing. 



46 COUSIN GENE 

Gene. [Pretending to he puzzled.] Dope slinger — 
rummy guy? Pardon me, Mr. Dick, I am afraid that T 
cannot always understand Mr. Bill. Will you kindly ex- 
plain? [Dick starts toward Gene, Bill pulls him hack 
and they argue sdently ivhile Gene speal's aside.] Can't 
one of them take the hint to vamoose? I can't hope 
to get a proposal from two at once. 

Bill. [To Dick.] All right, have it your v^ay. I 
give you five minutes to propose and be rejected but 
that's the limit. I'm on to the fact that the fair Gene 
is not for you, but there's nothing like letting a fool 
hang himself. [To Gene.] Ta, ta, Miss Gene. I will 
allow this Beau Brummel to discourse some nonsense to 
you. I will come back in a jiffy. 

Gene. Good-bye. Do not be long. 

Bill. [Aside to Dick.] Now, do you hear that? 
Wonder who has the inside track? [Saunters off R. 
ivith hands in pockets and head held high.] 

Dick. The conceited young coxcomb ! 

Gene. [Overhears and laughs.] Aren't all men con- 
ceited, Mr. Dick? 

Dick. Indeed not all, Miss Gene. I flatter myself 
that I have very little of that obnoxious fault. 

Gene. [Aside.] If you have little, Heaven save me 
from the man who has much. [Aloud.] Do you know, 
Mr. Dick, that I love to converse with you, you use such 
beautiful language? 

Dick. [Sivelling up.] Ah, is that so. Miss Gene? 
[Aside.] I wish Billie could hear that. Now is a good 
chance to kill Mr. Ted and put in a good word for yours 
truly. [B7'ings chair close to Gene^5 hench and sits.] 
Tell me, do you really feel better? 

Gene. [Sentimentally.] Yes, much better and very 
happy. [Places hand near Dick in a tempting position. 
Dick looks at hand, makes movement to take it, looks 
around nervously, makes another movement, looks em- 
harrassed and' finally puts his hands in his pockets. 
Gene is disgusted.] 



COUSIN GENE 47 

Dick. I am enraptured to know that you have so 
successfully overcome the treachery of a villain. 

Gene. A villain, Mr. Dickf 1 am afraid that I fail 
to understand your meaning. 

Dick. Of course, innocence can never comprehend 
villainy. 

Gene. [Aside.] Innocence! Oh, gosh! 

Dick. Only a hardened criminal can recognize crime 
when he sees it. It is always the guileless fool who is 
his victim. 

Gene. Am I the guileless fool, Mr. Dick? 

Dick. No — oh, no — er — I beg your pardon, I 
wouldn't for the world — er — have you suppose — er — 
that I would be guilty of calling so peerless a creature 
such a name. You must know that I adore you — and 
only wish to — er — save you from the villain who — is — a 
fine — pal — but — nix — I mean — not a fine husband, and 
— er — I wish to — er — I wish to — er — propose 

Gene. Yes, yes, you wish to propose ; go on Mr. Dick. 

Dick. I wish to — er — to er — propose — to — er — pro- 
pose that we take a row^ on the lake. 

Gene. [Aside.'] Great snakes ! a row on the lake ; 
what a blow. [Aloud.] I am more than grateful to 
you, Mr. Dick, but I am afraid that I am unequal to 
the exertion. I would much rather stay here in this 
beautiful moonlight and talk to you. 

Dick. How — er — very sweet of you Miss Gene. I 
am highly flattered and — er — er — I love — [Mops hroiv.] 
I love — er — I love — er — soda w^ater — er — no, I didn't 
mean that. I — er — excuse me, I must go. [Exits R.[ 

Gene. [Laughs heartily.] I wonder if I looked as 
foolish the first time I tried to propose to Gladys. It's 
no wonder she side-tracked me, if I did. Well, there's 
chance number one gone. Come on, ye fools, I've got 
to land one of you. [Enter Jack, George and Fred L.] 
How in kingdom come can I land a proposal from one 
of them when they insist upon coming in bunches. 

elACK. [Sees Gene, others do not.] Oh, I say, boys, 



48 COUSIN GENE 

you go on in. I'm going to sit out here for awhile and 
smoke a cigarette. 

George. All right, I'm going in and see if I can do 
anything for dear Miss Gene. 

Fred. I'm with you. I'd like to thrash that idiot 
Ted for making her sick. 

George. Ted would make anybody sick. 

Fred. I should say he w^ould! [Fred and George 
exit into house.] 

Gene. [Laughs.] Well done, Mr. Jack ! I was hop- 
ing that they would leave so that you could talk to me. 

Jack. [In pretended surprise.] Oh, I beg pardon. 
Miss Gene, I didn't see you. 

Gene. Oh, you naughty man, are you going to snub 
me for flattering myself that you sent them away that 
you could talk to me — alone? 

Jack. Would that flatter you? 

Gene. Wouldn't any girl be flattered to know that a 
handsome young man was interested enough in her to 
wash to talk to her — alone ? 

Jack. Then I must confess that I did see you, and 
contrived to get rid of the other fellows. 

Gene. [Aside.] Oh, ye Gods, how subtle he is! I 
am sure of him — if he doesn't get stage fright. 

[Jack fidgets around, looks embarrassed, walks around 
to see if anybody is listening. Gene ivatehes him, laugh- 
ing. Finally he comes down and sits on chair near 
Gene.] 

Jack. Ha-humph a-er — I wish to speak to you, Miss 
Gene, er — er — upon a subject a-er — very near my heart. 

Gene. I'm not very well versed in heart subjects, 
Mr. Jack. 

Jack. Then — er — er — let me teach you. Miss Gene. 

Gene. I am very willing to be taught. 

Jack. That is er-er — very kind of you, and er-er — I 
might say — 

Gene. [Aside.] You might say a whole lot if you 
had sense enough. [Aloud.] As you were saying, Mr. 
Jack — 



COUSIN GENE 49 

Jack. Ah — er-er — was I saying anything? 

Gene. No — but you were talking. 

Jack. Oh, yes, I was talking — er — about love. 

Gene. Oh, were you? I hadn't heard. 

Jack. Yes — because — er — you see, it was my heart 
that was speaking. 

Gene. You must have a wonderful heart, Mr. Jack. 
I do not believe I ever heard of a heart conversing, be- 
fore. 

Jack. [Getting holde7\] That is because you have 
never loved before. 

Gene. And do you think that I love, now? 

Jack. Why, certainly. You show all of the symp- 
toms of passionate love. 

Gene. Tell me some of my symptoms. I am afraid 
that I do not recognize them. 

Jack. Your eyes grew bright as I approached. 

Gene. I must chide my eyes for being so forward. 

Jack. Your heart throbbed when I came near. 

Gene. If it didn 't throb how could I live ? 

Jack. You could not live without me. 

Gene. [Aside.] Suffering Moses I 've misjudged that 
man, his conceit will treble Dick's! 

Jack. You were happy because I sent the others 
away and stayed with you alone. 

Gene. [Aside.] Ghee, I've got him cinched all right. 
[Aloud.'] Yes, yes, go on. 

Jack. How do you prefer a proposal. Miss Gene, 
standing or kneeling? 

Gene. [Considering.] Well — I've never had one 
kneeling, I think that would suit me best. [Aside.] But 
for Heaven's sake hurry! 

Jack. [Kneels facing front, Ted enters, sits on hench 
left of Gene, they pay no attention to Jack, Ted puts 
his arm around Gene, he drops his head on Ted's, 
shoulder, Ted takes Gene's hand and they sit in this 
position during Jack's speech.] Dearest, sweetest, 
brightest, best ! I know that you love me, for love has 
spoken in your eyes since the first moment that we met. 



50 COUSIN GENE 

I have longed to kiss you and call you mine, because 
you showed so plainly tliat you wished me to do so. 
[Ted makes a movement as tJiough to strike Jack, Gene 
restrains him highly amused.^ I love you, dear, almost 
as much as you love me, not quite as much I must own 
for it is not man's nature to love as deei)ly as it is 
woman's. [Ted shakes his fist at him.'] Now tell me 
sweetheart when will you marry me; for many me I 
know you will, I have read your answer in your eyes. 
Come, darling, seal the compact with a loving kiss. [Ted 
kisses Gene as Jack turns, Jack speaks without i^ising.] 
Wha — hat do you mean by kissing my affianced wife ? 

Ted. Not your affianced wife, Jack, but mine ! Thank 
you for doing the Hard work. The next time that you 
propose to a young lady, however, I advise you to do it 
facing her, for you never know what is going on behind 
your back. Trot along Jackie, I want to talk to my 
sweetheart. 

Jack. [Rises slotvly.'] You — you — oh I can't begin 
to tell you w4iat I think of you! [Rushes off i?.] 

Ted. Now sweetheart, tell me again that you love me. 

Gene. I love you ! 

Ted. I am the happiest man on earth ! 

Gene. So am I ! 

Ted. What ? 

Gene. Oh — I mean that I am the happiest girl. 

Ted. I have waited all day for this moment! 

Gene. [With douUe meaning.] So have I! 

Ted. [RapturoKsly.'] Gene ! 

Gene. [With pretended rapture.'] Ted! [Ted throics 
his arms around Gene and hugs him passionately, Gene 
kicks out at side in comic manner.] 

Ted. When will you marry me, Gene? 

Gene. Whenever you wish it, Ted. 

Ted. Tomorrow ! 

Gene. Tomorrow, if you still wish it. But I think 
that you had better tell the other boys. They are all 
trying to propose to me. 

Ted. I '11 break their heads ! 



COUSIN GENE 51 

Gene. You can't blame them for falling in love with 
me, too. 

Ted. Yes, I do, they are all sworn bachelors and they 
have no right to fall in love with you, and now that you 
are mine they had better keep off ! 

Gene. Well tell them, clear! 

Ted. I will and emphatically. 

[Enter; Boys, Frank and Stewart from Jioiise.'] 

Jack. There's the reprobate! [Ted and Gene rise 
and come forward.'] The cheat! The trickster! He's a 
fine member of the Bachelor Club ! I caught him kiss- 
ing Miss Gene and he declared that they were engaged. 

Ted. Did you tell them what you were doing while 
I was getting engaged? 

Jack. That isn't necessary. 

Frank. As President of the Bachelor Club, Ted, I 
am afraid that I must reprimand you severely for your 
defection and remind you that the Club is entitled to 
$1,000. 

Ted. And you needn't worry, the Club will get its 
one thousand dollars, and I never have signed a check 
with a lighter heart. [Takes out check hook and tvrites 
check.'] 

Gene. [With pretended tears.] Are you angry with 
me, Cousin Frank, for falling in love with Ted? You 
shouldn't have introduced me to him then for you know 
how attractive he is. 

Frank. [Petting Gene, hoth laugh aside.] There, 
there Gene dear, we didn't mean a word. It was all a 
joke.. Come on boys, I give you permission to kiss my 
cousin and wish her joy. Come on, boys, don't sulk. We 
know lots of stunning girls whom we will introduce to 
you. Come on ! 

Bill. [Kisses Gene.] Gene! 

Dick. [Kisses Gene.] Gene! 

George. [Kisses Gene.] Gene ! 

Jack. [Kisses Gene.] Gene ! Oh Gene how you de- 
ceived me ! 

Gene. Not I, Jack, my eyes! 



52 COUSIN GENE 

Ted. [Hands check to Frank.] Here is the best 
check I ever signed, Frank ! 

Dick. Boys, what do you say to presenting the check 
to Gene with our compliments, as a wedding present ? 

Boys. Agreed ! 

Bill. She deserves it for having the courage to marry 
Ted. 

Ted. Thanks! You're a dandy crowd of muffs, I 
haven't heard one of you wish me joy. 

George. We're a crowd of jealous fools. Of course 
we wish you joy. Come on, boys. 

Boys. Right oh! Lots of joy, Ted! [Boys crowd 
around Ted and shake his hand.] 

Gene. [Aside to Frxi^^k.] Now I 've done it, how am 
I going to strike the climax ? 

Frank. Don't worry it will strike of itself in a few 
moments. 

Ted. [Patronizingly.'] Thank you, boys. I am glad 
that you bear me no ill-will for beating you out. 

Bill. Not on your life Ted, we're glad you were 
so lucky and we'll all be your best men so we can kiss 
the bride. i 

Ted. All right, boys, but that will be your last chance 
to kiss Gene. 

Gene. Yes, boys, but I promise you each two kisses 
on my wedding day. 

Boys. You bet we'll get them. 

Benson. [Enters with telegram.] If you please, here 
is a telegram for Mr. Gene Stewart. 

Gene. [Aside.] Thank goodness I 

Boys. Mr. Gene Stewart ? 

Ted. You're on the wrong track, Benson, there is 
only a Miss Gene here and that is my Gene. 

Benson. Beg pardon, sir, but this is for Mr. Gene 
Stewart and is marked, "Important." [To Gene.] Is 
it for you, sir 1 

Gene. [In natural voice.] Right you are, Benson, 
that is my name and title when in the world. [Boys look 
at each other in amazement, Gene opens and reads tele- 



COUSIN GENE 53 

gram.'] Great Scott ! Gladys will be here, tonight ! 
[Gene pulls off ivig, Frank and Stewart highly amused 
watch the other hoys to see the effect. Boys look amazed, 
Ted drops in chair L. and gasps for breath. Gene runs 
off and changes to his own clothes. Benson exits.] 

Boys. Wha — wha — what's the matter? 

Frank. Boys, I ask your pardon for a practical 
joke. 

Boys. Joke ? 

Frank. Yes. Just be patient a moment and I will 
enlighten yon for I see you are greatly in need of an 
explanation. My cousin Gene, instead of being a charm- 
ing young lady is a healthy, clear-headed young man. 
When his telegram arrived at the Club I saw your mis- 
take and thought that it would be a good opportunity 
to play a joke on you and at the same time find out the 
real worth of such an organization as "The Bachelor 
Club. " Really I expected your fall, but I was not pre- 
pared for so sudden or complete a surrender. I have 
read of love at first sight but I did not expect to see 
six strapping fellows fall in love at first sight with such 
a demure slip of a girl. 

Bill. Slip of a boy, you mean. Well, boys, we've 
been all kinds of fools, but I do feel sorry for Ted, he's 
knocked out for fair. But I say Frank I know that I 
have heard you speak of a fair cousin and I am sure 
you always called "It" her. 

Frank. Yes, I have another cousin who really is a 
fair young girl and to make matters right with Ted, 
I have telegraphed for her to come and console him. 

Ted. [Who is still sitting dejectedly.] No, thanks, 
I don't care to meet any more of your relatives. I am 
hard hit, boys, but never again will I let a girl beguile 
me, I am a better member of the Bachelor Club for this 
experience. 

Dick. Bachelor Club? There is no Bachelor Club. 
We have all resigned and we are going to hunt out the 
prettiest girls in New York and take their breath away 
by a whirlwind courtship. 



54 COUSIN GENE 

Boys. Right you are ! 

Stewart. I am glad to hear it, boys. The man who 
cannot find a good woman to marry him is unfortunate, 
but the man who will not find one is all kinds of a fool. 
God put men and women in the world to love and help 
each other and one life is never complete without the 
love, help and partnership of the other. [Gene enters.] 

Frank. Boys, allow me to introduce to you my cousin, 
Mr. Eugene Stewart, otherwise Gene. 

Boys. [Shaking hands with Gene.] Glad to meet 
you. 

Bill. Say you 're some actor ! If you went on the 
boards, you'd make the others look like a forged bank- 
note. 

Gene. Thanks! Hope you're not sore at me, boys? 

Dick. Sore ? No indeed, you have made us see what 
fools we were to think that we could exist without falling 
in love. 

Jack. I was sure from the first that something was 
wrong. 

Boys. Shut up, Jackie, you were nothing of the 
kind! 

George. Say Ted's taking it mighty hard though. 

Gene. Never mind he'll get over it. 

Stew^art. Say Gene you'd better give him back his 
check. 

Gene. Give him back his check? I should say not! 
It was given to me for a wedding present and as such I 
accepted it and as such I shall keep it for I expect to be 
married next month. 

Ted. Yes, indeed, keep it. I would not want it back, 
the lesson I have learned is well worth the money. 

Frank. Don't be peevish, Ted, learn to take a joke. 

Bill. ''He jests at scars who never felt a wound. '^ 
Hurry up — the girl cousin, Frank, that will be the onlj^ 
cure. 

Gene. And don't forget, boys, I promised you each 
a kiss on my wedding day. 

Boys. We'll be there. 



COUSIN GENE 55 

Bill. And we'll collect — from your wife. 

Gene. Oh I say — 

[Enter Tony dragging hose, Benson follows with tray 
filled tvith glasses.] 

Stewart. Tony! What on earth are you doing? 

Tony. Vas iss it, huh? Der young laty gif me five 
tollars to durn her hose on der blankety-blankety fools — 
if dey dared to sing under her vinder tonight, yet, so I 
tought I vould get it ready — yes. 

Boys. [Laugh heartily.] Oh Gene, how could you? 

Gene. Boys, let me tell you something and believe 
me I am now speaking from experience. A week ago 
I wouldn't have thought of such advice. When you go to 
woo your true love, do not sing love songs under her win- 
dow at night; she will not appreciate them if she is 
sleepy, and every good healthy girl gets sleepy; do not 
write original love poems to her ; you may not be a poet 
and it would be disastrous to let her find it out ; do not 
tell her she loves you, let her do that; when you are 
ready to propose, do it before the other fellow gets a 
chance ; when you propose ta her face her, for you never 
know what is going on behind your back. 

DiGK. [All lift glasses.] Your advice we will follow. 
Here 's to the girls ! We believed that they were impos- 
sible but have discovered that they are not only possible 
but also delightfully delightful. There's no use in try- 
ing to live without them. [All drink hut Ted.] 

Frank. And here's to the downfall of all Bachelor 
Clubs, they teach a man folly and then the girls make 
him look foolish. 

Boys. Down with the Bachelor Club! 

[All drink hut Ted, who sits dejectedly L.] 
Benson. Tony. Gene. 

Frank. Stewart. 

Bill. Ted. 

Fred. Dick, 

Jack. George. 

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